Miscarriage Awareness

Breaking the stigma around miscarriage! 

1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage… it is so common yet there is still this idea that we have to hide them and go through them all alone. 

“Don’t tell anyone you are pregnant until 2nd trimester, just in case you have a miscarriage.” 

Great, so I had one now I have to pretend like I am fine after such an intense loss; physically, mentally, emotionally… this is not the way. We deserve support during such a challenging time! 

My story: 

After almost a year of calling in our first child, Jason and I conceived in February 2023! We we beyond excited, we had prayed so many times for this baby and felt we were ready to become parents. 

I spent 4 months believing we were going to be bringing our child into this world this November, we had already shared with all of our loved ones since we were in the 2nd trimester and “in the clear” as I had heard so many times. 

On May 27th, we found out our baby did not have a heartbeat, and actually had stopped growing a few weeks prior. I had what is called a “Missed Miscarriage.” It is where a baby stops developing, but the body had no idea, so it continued to give me signs of being pregnant, still releasing HCG pregnancy hormones, and I even noticed my belly bump and breasts still getting bigger. It was hard to wrap my head around the fact, that my baby was gone, but my body didn’t give me any signs of it. I guess I always assumed when you had a miscarriage, it just happened spontaneously and you would find out as you were passing the fetus. 

Jason and I were heartbroken, and had to make the decision of getting a D&C that day or waiting to see if my body would let go naturally. We decided to wait and went home, both of our Moms came out right away to be with us and mourn this loss we all felt. That week I did all the things to naturally induce labor; acupuncture, herbal tinctures, hikes, etc. Nothing was working, so at 17 weeks pregnant on the evening of June 3rd with the full moon in the sky I decided to take Misoprostol (medication doctors use to dilate the cervix and induce labor). And let me tell you, that stuff works, maybe too well… I ended up laboring at home for 8 hours, it was way more intense than I had thought. I assumed since it wasn’t a full grown baby, it would be “easier” than typical birth. I’ve witnessed many women giving birth, and what I experienced were real contractions. I felt empowered that I was riding the waves, and surrendering to the process. The hardest part about a miscarriage, is that after all that hard work you don’t get to even hold your baby, which typically makes it all worth it. 

Early in the morning of June 4th, as I was still laboring and passing tissue from my womb space. I went unconscious, probably from pain, too much blood loss, dehydration and ultimately I believe it was a Vasovagl reaction. I don’t remember this but I projectile vomited while unconscious and Jason & Ale (my soul sister & magical nurse) who were with me, could not wake me up for almost 5 minutes, I went completely white & my lips turned blue. They thought I was actually dead. When I did finally come to, I heard Jason on the phone with 911. The ambulance arrived quickly and they rushed me to the hospital with an IV to replenish all the fluids I had lost. I spent 6 hours at the hospital, with them checking all my vitals, doing multiple ultrasounds, blood work, etc. Ultimately, they discharged me and I spent the next week resting, recovering, healing & processing. 

When I finally thought I was complete with the physical part, I got a call Monday June 12th that there was a tiny piece of the placenta that was still attached to my uterus and that I would indeed still need to get the D&C surgery. I went in the following day for that procedure, to clear out the rest of my womb. I was nervous as this is was my very first surgery with anesthesia and I was afraid of scarring my uterus. But in order for my body to have future pregnancies I had to make sure I was completely cleared out. If tissues remain undetected, they can cause infections as well. 

The reason I share my story in such detail, is not to scare anybody. We don’t have control over if we will be part 1 in 4 women. It to shine light and makes those going through it themselves, feel less isolated and alone. Since all our family and friends knew we were pregnant, everyone also knows now that we had a miscarriage. There was no way for me to be isolated, and let me tell you everyone showed up for us in the most beautiful of ways. I felt so loved and nurtured by so many people near and far. I didn’t feel alone, as I shared, I got to hear and listen to other women who had been through similar experiences. I am sad for anyone who has to go through this type of loss, and I know that with heartbreak there’s an opportunity to open our hearts even more. 

This experience cracked me open in some very profound ways, and I feel that it has awakened me even more to my truth, my power and my purpose in this life. 

My soul chose to have to his experience in order to truly understand it and ultimately be able to  help other women who go through it in the future. As a birth worker, there is always potential for death. And we can’t hide from this reality, death is the only guarantee in life. So let’s talk about it more openly, and not shy away since it can be uncomfortable for some. 

If you have had a miscarriage, you are not alone, it is not your fault, you did nothing “wrong,” you are still a mother and your baby knows how loved they are. 

I have always felt like I am already a mother, so when I get asked the question, “do you have kids?” It’s difficult to answer, because no I don’t have any children you can see in the physical (*yet). However, I do have children that I can feel in spirit. 

To honor our little bean's life, Jason and I held a beautiful ceremony on Mama Shasta, the same volcano where we spent our first date. It was such a profound, beautiful, healing day for us both. We got to grieve together, pray together and send off our spirit baby with love in our hearts. I feel this whole experience brought our relationship to a much deeper level, I fell even more in love with this man. The way he showed up for me, the way we felt like a team during it all, and how he took care of our family in such a grounded way. 

I feel an immense sense of gratitude for all the blessings in my life, and trust me I am not giving up on my dream to be a mother. It has been my biggest prayer for the last 6 years, and I will continue to call that experience in to raise some of these beautiful souls entering planet earth. The timing was just not now, more surrender and patience, but my time to hold my child in the physical will happen. This I know for sure. 

We love you our beautiful spirit babe, thank you for being with us even for a short time. You changed our lives in so many ways in the time you were with us.